this whole time…I believed I was talking about you. every flaw. every wound. accusing you at every turn. erase the past & watch every page burn. but only now do I see. every judgement, every line, every insecurity…was found in the mirror image of me. my need for control. my need to play a role and mask my fears. if I had only seen…my own broken childhood in the reflection of long forgotten tears…

you take me to the sweetest places. but the back & forth feels like a permanent stasis. life fails to grow without diversity and in your world everything is made artificially. maybe that’s how you like to control. every person has to fall in line according to your premeditated roles. but all the perfection…will it ever make you whole…

you have the perfect spin on every word & act. all you ever do & say is flawlessly planned, the execution exact. & I can’t help the feeling nothing is real, the facade so beautifully distracts. your presence always the entire center stage, my heart felt the fatal impact. every line is performed so I don’t know the difference between a lie & the facts. promises feel like a one sided, lifelong contract….

repeat the words, are they loving or are they fearful. always a back & forth between the two, a continual push & pull. fear makes the heart feel nothing but small. love somehow shines a light through it all. life will never be without pain. but the life we live doesn’t have to be in vain. after the storm, I’ll look for the sunlight through the rain…

sometimes fear filters out all the rest. when our wounds take control, insecurity & pain over shadow every emotion we hope to express. & I get lost in a dark headspace when it feels like my heart is on the line. the past narratives can override everything to make us completely blind. but if you look for it, joy, love, courage…can be the light you find…

state of confusion. maybe it’s a masterful illusion. hard to see through to the truth when every shade is layered with more than meets the eye. too focused on fighting, no one wants to wait long enough to ask why. adversity & challenges can shape you with courage but we give up before we even try. blame, war, games, revenge never seem to be in short supply….

black & white, ally & enemy. indifference & love. every shade flowing forward forever in society. kindness. cruelness. help. harm. scarcity. prosperity. victim. offender. chaos. calm. & I wonder if the news is just highlighting every way to distract without sounding silent alarms…

a single thought. a single act. feels less than harmless & that’s what I once believed. karma was a law where you get exactly what you deserve, to each their own & you’re the cause for everything received. but there’s a change I can’t quite comprehend, nothing is as it once used to be. I thought I knew what love was until real love completely disillusioned every belief within me. the heart can beautifully deceive itself into the most intricate webs, soft & enticing to the very end. but sometimes the deepest betrayals come from the most loyal of friends…

the wrong ones love hiding in the dark. too late realizing consequences always leave a definitive mark. no one leaves this place without a scar or two. search the eyes and the truth reveals itself in stories & broken views. lies never were so sweet when morality & desire elegantly twist & masterfully confuse. what you do in the dark, surely one day a light will expose every single deed. so in secret, is it love you freely choose or fear the one you continue to endlessly feed…

you fooled me as easily as slowly sipping sin. you had me before I knew your mask was perfectly paper thin. try as I may I can’t blame you for it all. when I was the one who answered each & every time you could call. & running away was my way of hiding behind stone walls. trusted you completely when you were the one setting me up to fall…

fears wear heavy on me, slipping into the vividness of a spinning sleep. a shot of dopamine that’s all I have in the faint traces of the company I used to keep. but even the deepest dream can’t erase the change of heart now washing over me with a transparent clarity. I needed you to need me & you needed me to need you in a never ending game. even after decades, the ending always tastes the very same. love wouldn’t ever need me to compromise my integrity…& that’s the difference between the old & new me….

when I try to walk away, lust whispers in crossed lines every desperate desire. but you know what they say about getting too close to a self destructive kind of fire. & I never claimed to be perfect but the path leading to you is one I’ll have to pass on by. because carrying the weight of someone else’s personal affairs is not for me, and I don’t want to live a lie. lust could never be love no matter how hard it tries…

guilty of mistaking attention for love, time & time again but I just never learn. fighting words & mind games, a maze of never ending twists & turns. this was my old way of life, familiar & a strange blanket of comfortability. but there was always an undercurrent growing up of a deeper dysfunction & isolation in the true reality…

buttercream icing & a perfect first bite. how could something taste so good, ever be anything but good & right. but the details along the edge are covered in the sweetest lies. a recipe for your ruin wrapped in the perfect disguise. the most convincing deceptions are the ones we desperately want to believe. but you know what they say, what you make you one day receive…

sugar coated candy, addictive to the touch. users in the beginning know to never ask for too much. & what is love, I mean lust without a kind of dangerous rush. never too ready for the fall. you say you don’t need it but how soon are you at his every beck & call. be careful what you fall for. some candy is sweet on the surface & rotten at every layer covering the darkest core.

the things I could imagine…& the depth of dreams lost in my mind. I don’t want to be left broken, a fragment of what once truly shined. oh how the past tries to imprison me every time. you walked free from the wreckage as if there was never any trauma or real crime. every time. & I don’t blame you for what you did I just can’t let it go. more to a person than the perfect appearances that always show. & you could put on a flawless show. I cared more than I could admit & I still chase love that was lost a lifetime ago…

fear is a delicate enemy. love runs away with nostalgic memories. & you only worry losing what your heart couldn’t keep. but love always takes the leap. if I gave my entire heart would you protect or poison all the parts of me…

I imagined love so many times, in the darker depths of your black waters & broken eyes. I waited for you to see the damage left behind in beautifully wrapped promises & tear stained lies. for you love was simply an endless power struggle, one you couldn’t ever afford to lose. I couldn’t count the silent scars when the child in me made excuses for every little invisible bruise. but love cares nothing for your desired power or fading throne. I finally know your kind of “love” is the only dream darker than one where I’m left unwanted & alone. the truth is freeing when I can finally let your shadows & stories go. love is so much more real than a perfectly performed show.

delusion tastes sweeter & truth less desirable in the lonely rooms of a darkened heart. temptation ruins every thing it ever touches before you know how the dose develops & innocently starts. for so long drinking poison from an unmarked cup, never designed to be satisfying, never was it ever enough. suspicious minds & anxious thoughts run well with the desperate company of fear. hidden gold found in the aftermath of consequences & free falling tears. sleeping in comforting nightmares or risking the danger of flying free. the past doesn’t define the unbreakable beautiful parts of me. take just one, wonder what it will inevitably be…nothing but a lethal poison or a harmless sweet candy.