words poured beautifully in timeless gold…
escape fantasy in mirrored truths tied & told…
every flawless line & imperfect page…
free by love or locked away in a cage…
a new beginning & life in the promise of today…
a home built in a more loving & real way…
the choice always yours…
to leave or to stay…
tell me how…
to quiet the questions…
my heart still wonders of…
was I given up…
because I just wasn’t enough…
even though it must be a lie…
I can’t seem to stop asking why…
was I so easy to let go…
emotions I can’t quite place…
my entire life…
the pain I failed to perfectly erase…
did you even think of me…
did you care…
there’s no memories…
nothing between us to share…
though I can now be the person I need…
how does one heal wounds that never bleed…
missing the way you once missed me…
the absence reminds so relentlessly…
you don’t know my name…
you don’t know the shame…
of never knowing if you loved me…
the beauty of never completely growing up…
play pretend in a perfect past & you almost believe it’s enough…
as deepening resentments & emptiness overflow your cup…
paralyzed in a fairytale of fabricated innocence…
real life & real people become just another hinderance…
place blame on everyone & everything as your world becomes narrow & cold…
holding onto the pain & fear leaves us with bitter hearts…
forever chasing after the illusion of control…
I’ll take accountability…
for being in the wrong…
could we ever erase the lines of war when…
they’re so intricately planned & drawn…
sometimes…
humbling yourself in kindness is a new way to be strong…
never should have made the choice to send the text…
a moment followed by more of losing my own self respect…
& I never should have given you the power to validate my worth & calculate my price…
needing others’ love more than my own becomes an addicting & dangerous vice…
I should have walked away all the times…
where I gave away my morals to feel loved but I stayed…
I stayed…
having your love was worth abandoning myself & feeling familiar in being betrayed…
it would be easy to make you responsible for all of my pain…
to write your name as the source of all my darkened skies & endless rain…
but…
I chose not to love me…
I chose not to see me..
to disappear in the pages of someone else’s story…
& I imprisoned myself to let you have all the glory…
back then anything was better than having you ignore me…
would have given anything to have you choose me…
abandonment traumas once echoed through a false identity…
but I was the only person to free me…
took some time for me to see the person I needed most…
was there all along…
maybe…
this is the first step of me…
writing my own songs…
to finally be with me in a place…
where I truly belong…
my heart…
my mind…
never could completely choose me…
being yours forever felt…
like a certain prison & paradise of reality…
tried endlessly…
to break free…
of a neglectful & harmful history…
emotionally…
physically…
it was easier to shut down silently…
so you could tell me exactly what to think…
no matter how far I ran…
always on the brink…
of a compelling codependency sync…
but I don’t want you to tell me who to be…
once my eyes were open it was impossible not to see…
the sweet poison of what was happening to me…
I wake up & every little thing is different…
grief…loss…growth… love writes from a place of innocence…
suddenly the cyclical lessons & experiences don’t feel so coincident…
needed you once like an endless succession of emotional stimulants…
maybe nothing is ever a meaningless incident…
blamed the past for my wounds but then I became an active participant…
wrote a perfect ending to this story when the possibilities were infinite…
memories & heartbeats never so close & intimate…
I loved the idea of you but the fantasy never finds an equivalent…
forgetting to love me along the way as shame grew more & more vigilant…
darkness is deceptive in the nature of being deliberate in increments…
my greatest regret is missing out on loving me in the way I need…
valuing myself becomes the way to fly free…
try to imagine my life without you…
past memories imitate connections no longer tied to…
endless evidence & clues left untouched & uncollected…
subtle realities & unmet needs in my own hands to be freed & accepted…
so desperately needed you to love me in a healthy way…
still the dark reflections in your eyes remain day after day…
somewhere along the black & white line…
in the moments we both wanted everything & everyone to be just fine…
trust breaks into fear…
love grows indifferent…
the spaces deepen between what we both say & what we secretly meant…
the laughs turn to empty silence…
& the silence turns to distance as we fail to pretend…
we both don’t see exactly where this ride will inevitably & clearly end…
once close now our hearts fall to safer self protections…
our conversations can’t find the familiar timeless affections…
life is never how we plan or perfectly predicted…
but maybe the strained civility & coldness is to be expected…
why love is so beautifully effective…
leaving us contented in being blind…
to the caution signs…
& toxic trends…
every unspoken word…
every false memory…
sharpens to openly harm & offend…
they say all wounds…
heal eventually in time…
but the way it all ended…
closure is hard to find in…
the aftermath of another unreported crime…
now the accusations…
feel like notes from a stranger…
took time for me to see the reality…
of misplaced trust & invisible dangers…
broken ties can never again be the same…
still I wonder where we lost us in the shades of…
tears…
insecurities…
blame…
love & loss intertwined in the days…
could it have ever gone another way…
I keep replaying…
all the broken promises you ever made…
my mind struggles to let it all go…
my heart refuses to leave the rose colored memories to fade…
some days are peaceful & complete…
some days I accept what I can in shades of defeat…
pain…
& tears…
the difference now…
I can be what I need for me…
& care for myself for those lost & lonely years…
letting go of the past feels more free…
than the alternative of staying in a place where…
what you want…
is what I’ll always be…
so…
you can have my yesterdays…
but..
all my todays…
all my tomorrows…
are mine…
& my heart….
my mind…
will keep healing…
keep loving me…
in my own time…
there’s beauty in untangling myself from you…
to finally find me…
abandoning your expectations & needs…
to my own heart…
be true…
endless disappearing worlds…
chained to repeating melodies…
I could be everything you ever wanted…
but will you imprison…
or set me…
free…
fall in love…
so helplessly…
countless ones lost…
to a perfect fantasy…
don’t ask…
don’t tell…
silent hazel glass eyes…
hide her reality…
her real heart…
you’ll never truly see…
butterfly candies 